Getting off the couch
Édouard Manet: Reclining Young Woman in Spanish Costume, 1862. Image in public domain
Sure, it's easy to read about politics—but harder to discuss them with folks who may disagree (especially in the Valley's hyper-polarized culture!). Entrepreneur Vera Strauch educates, below, on why we're naturally prone to avoid discomfort—while exhorting us to leave the anxious “mental couch” for connectedness, meaning, and lasting change.
The history of comfort, or the story of comfort, is the story of survival.
The first aspect of survival by comfort: fear of rejection. We all have it inside of us. It's deeply unpleasant for us if others reject us, if we are not part of the group. Way back then, not fitting into the group meant for us to die because we needed the food that was collected, we needed the shelter of the group to take care of us, especially, for example, when we get sick. … And of course, today, in modern society, it doesn't mean for us to die if a group doesn't accept us; but, still, not being liked by others is very uncomfortable … (3:42–4:37)
[Another] aspect of survival by comfort … our brains. They love comfort because it saves us energy. There are studies that show that our brains are addicted to psychological safety. So, I mean, what's easier after a long day of work: staying on the couch where it's warm and safe, or going out for a run? … Our brains love where it's familiar … it takes extra energy for us to go outside and choose the risk or the unknown.
And, of course, the couch can be different for all of us. … For others, this mental “couch” can be, like me, being super busy, always doing something; and for me, it's discomfort to sit down and just be still.
And, of course, comfort is not always bad. Sometimes we need comfort to recharge our batteries, to gain our energy. … But if comfort becomes the habit, we are in trouble because then we will choose the easy way per default … I assume that most of us here tonight are looking for a deep and meaningful way to live, and comfort is the enemy of meaning. … So it has consequences if we choose the easy way.
Let's look at that cost … easy [living] comes at the cost of those deep and meaningful relationships—and these relationships, they lead to me feeling that I belong … that I am part of a bigger picture. That I am not separate, but that I am … connected [with] humans … with nature, and also with this planet as a whole … And [when prioritizing comfort,] it is hard to care about our future, to care about the bigger picture; so you can say that easy comes at the cost of our collective future. (5:36–9:31)
Being a leader means making uncomfortable decisions. And it does not only mean leading other people; it foremostly means, “How do I lead myself?” …
So what can we do? … In my experience, there are three major things that we can do; and the first thing we can do is shine a light on your fear. We all have fears; it is a universal emotion. … The difference between a leader and a follower is that a leader knows she is afraid and does the hard thing anyway … (11:06–12:02)
The second thing we can do: … choose integrity, your backbone, over comfort. … I remember countless situations in business meetings where I just smiled away a sexist joke. I didn't want to open up Pandora's box. I didn't want to be disliked for bringing it up. And so I stayed silent. But these moments, they make a difference. … I [must] decide, do I choose the familiar[ity] of my comfort, or do I choose the discomfort of my integrity? And moment by moment, step by step, these moments, they add up; and they create something super powerful, which is respect. If I shift my inner focus away from being liked towards being respected, that is a powerful move because respect lasts.
And the third point we can do is … disconnect discomfort from pain and instead connect it to our dreams, our hopes, our values. … that's what leaders do. They connect with the “why”: what do I care about, what does truly matter, why are we doing all of this—and they connect it with, “Okay, that's the discomfort I have to choose, then.” …
So change doesn't have to be this big thing. I don't know about you, but just the thought of ending global inequality or ending climate change can be so overwhelming; it is huge. But what is manageable is the decision to … regularly choose the discomfort … And that's something that we can use collectively … (13:06–16:11)
Watch the whole thing here.
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